Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Buckethead is a Chicken

Anyone who has followed my career knows I don't kiss and tell. I hate rats, almost as much as I hate squirrels...

+digression: squirrels is what I call journalists because they crawl all over the city, they are as ubiquitos as they are nuts, and more importantly they are really just rats in better wardrobe. Don't be fooled by the press credentials and the fluffy tail, they are rats and should be treated accordingly with arsenic+

When it comes to my old friend Buckethead though, I really must break the silence. I knew Buckethead before the bucket and the coop, way back in the primordial beginning. Absolutely amazing guitarist, buckethead was the guitarest as I used to say. I can finally go on record and admit that Guitarded was inspired by my old friend's playing.

Now to what is bothering me, the theory about Buckethead's actual identity. Wiki lists Brian Patrick Carroll as Buckethead's birth name. Interesting, I also knew Patty as he was known then. Helluva a good guy and a fairly decent guitar player, but I what I really rememebr him for was his barbecue. That man could grill the flesh of the fallen like no other. A maestro with fire and a nice chunk of animal corpse.

+digression: rumours that I myself have eaten human flesh while hanging out with a certain Norwegian death metal band not withstanding I would be shocked to learn that Patty would indulge in cannabalism. He was nothing if not a gentleman+

So while Patty was a mutual friend and co-contributor to some early projects, Patty is not Buckethead. Or Buckethead is not Patty. Although they did date briefly. Before everybody starts gasping and quoting me as saying Buckethead is gay, let me finish. Not only did they get the name wrong, they weren't even looking in the right genderection...Buckethead ain't a dude. So let me tell you what really happened.

We had a little band with myself, she-who-would-become Buckethead, Patty Carroll and Bob Maximum if memory serves. Bob was still playing drums at this stage, he hadn't found his voice and his bloodstained apron yet. Pat was whining because Pre-coop wanted him to give up the guitar and just play bass because she could play circles around him. This is where I stepped in with words to live by, I said "sweetie, you have the face of an angel and play like the devil but no one is going to take you seriosuly as a guitarist because you're a girl". Fuck off, it was the late 70's and sexism was still alive and kicking. Anyway, as she (note I am not giving y'all a name here, she doesn't want you to have it so who am I to give to you?) as she proceeds to wax political about rights and wrongs and fairness and equality among persons I delivered the following line and created a monster.

"You'd be taken more seriously as a guitarist with this KFC bucket on your head than you ever will as a woman."

So there you go, leave poor Patty alone. It probably irks the hell out of him that after getting the bump down to bass for her, people are expecting him to play as well as she does. Do yourself a favour and try his brisket instead. And as far as my old friend Buckethead, I hope Axl was a gentleman and I think enough time has passed that you should be able to safely leave the coop and face the world as a woman.

Now let me hear the pack howl back...

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