Monday, May 07, 2012

Why I Can't Drink

I was having chili fries on a patio this weekend when a white limo drove past trailing tin cans with the words Just Married across the trunk. That was when it all came flooding back to me.

I was suppose to be at this wedding because the bride's Dad was somebody that somebody important thought was important and it made them both feel even more important to make other less important people do unimportant things for their own amusement. The names are unimportant, or at the very least forgotten.

I was actually at a nearby bar working up the give a fuck to go to the wedding. Why I chose Wild Turkey to help me work up the give a fuck I'll never know, because nothing drains me of give a fuck like Wild Turkey. I did however work up a serious craving for coney fries from A&W, which was also nearby. So I paid the nice man at the bar and moved on.

I should probably mention I had just seen the Terminator. The second one, in the theater. Yeah, this was a while ago. It seems the movie made an impression on me as I kept walking up to complete strangers and saying "I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle". I thought that was hilarious. This will be important in a second.

So I walk (stagger) over to the A&W for some signature coney fries and encounter their mascot standing out front. A dude in a huge bear suit in July, sweating his nuts off and having a really bad day. Well, he thought he was having a bad day, and then I staggered up. I got right in this poor kid's face and put on my best Terminator Stare. Then as I delivered the line, I had a moment of clarity. All of the pieces fell into place, it was like the universe wanted it to happen. It was the actualization of pure cosmic stupidity. I mistook it for genius.

"I NEED you clothes, your boots...and some coney fries"

Fast forward ahead about 40 minutes and few indictable offenses, and I finally make it to the church. The ceremony is well under way, everyone is front and center, the church guy is saying something about God and love and three fold bonds when I walk in. In costume. Shit gets really quiet as I come strolling down the aisle, thinking for all the world I am doing the most obviously brilliant thing I could do in the circumstance. I mean there was the movie line, and the suit, and the wedding, it all came together. I'm singing the tuba theme from the old A&W commercials and just walking toward the wedding party.

"Buh dump buh dump..."

I made it all the way to the front of the church before anybody said anything. Appropriately it was the all important father of the bride who finally found his voice and demanded to know the obvious.

"Who in the hell are you?"

"I'm the Ring Bear"

I thought this was easily the funniest thing I or anyone had ever said in history of saying funny shit. I was braced for a tide of laughter to wash over the congregation and for the entire crowd to rise to their feet and applaude me for bringing such joy and mirth to this drab and somber occasion. It actually took people quite a while to sort out what I meant. My shock and disappointment quickly turned to frustration and rage.  I decided that maybe they were just really thick and needed me to demonstrate. So I turned to the 4 year old boy standing awestruck and wet of pants in his mini tuxedo, holding the pillow with the wedding bands and demanded in an angry and alcohol stained voice.

"Gimme the fucking rings kid. I'm the Ring Bear"

I should have said "I need your rings, your pillow and your tricycle". I realized this as I sobered up in jail the next morning. I shouldn't celebrate it either, that poor kid was probably scarred for life. I thought it was really strange that at of all places a wedding, I pull a stunt like this at not a single person got a picture. As far as the nuptials, I recognized the bride when she started screaming at me for ruining her big day. I had banged her about a week before, I don't think that marriage was going to last.

Keep howling.


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